“I want to forgive the person who abused me and cheated on me but it is very hard for me. I can not punish him because it may create negative consequences in my life. It is almost impossible to erase all memories of this person from my mind. Since you always talk about living in the present moment my present is full of suffering, what do you suggest?”
You want to forgive that person because the idea of punishment is a kind of burden upon your mind and by forgiving him you want to get some relief. But at the same time you do not want to forgive him because deep down you want to punish him.
This is a ‘double bind’. Perhaps you don’t want to waste your time in legal matters or you don’t know how to punish him that’s why you want to forgive this man.
It’s a kind of ‘compromise’.
You can not punish a person unless you punish yourself first. Then you have to focus your mind on negative emotions, exaggerate them and irritate yourself to the point that you express your negativity on the other person. This is the process of giving punishment.
In your case forgiveness means in spite of your anger and hatred you want to drop the idea of taking revenge and try to keep your mental balance.
Whether it is punishment (revenge) or forgiveness you have to focus on the same person. Then you will move in the same circle. Half of your mind wants to teach the lesson and half of your mind gets fade up of your helplessness and you decide to forgive the person … but still a feeling of ‘helplessness’ remains. That’s why you feel it’s hard to forgive him.
So what is the solution?
(Since you already said that you don’t want to punish him to avoid the consequences….)
You have to use this energy somewhere else. You have already created a momentum. So USE this momentum to create something better. You can focus your mind on your career or some hobby or anything which makes you feel better.
The past is over and there is no point in carrying bitter memories in your mind. You don’t have control on other people or situations but you can have full control over your thoughts and feelings.
There are many interesting topics in life but some people focus only on one topic which makes them feel sad and bitter. There must be at least few things going on in your life which can instantly make you feel better. Direct your attention towards those things.
You said your present is full of suffering but it is not true. You are choosing memories of past or memories of this particular person to make your ‘present’ sad. This moment you can choose different subject and feel different.
This particular person abused you but there must be other people in your life who didn’t abused you. Why don’t you think about them? Why this person is more important to you then all those people who made your life better?
You can come out of any negative situation without getting affected if you learn to ignore the negative feelings and instantly create a different state in which you feel better. Then you will never find yourself in dilemma whether you should forgive someone or teach him a good lesson.
Life is short. Don’t waste your time. You don’t bite a dog if he bites you and there is no question of forgiveness because you know that dog is just an animal. Some people are still living in state of animal so you don’t have to punish them or drop bombs upon them.
You have to learn to go beyond any negative state within few seconds. Sometimes it is very difficult but still it is worth. Taking revenge could change your course of life and you may end up in the jail. Forgiveness could create a feeling of helplessness in you because it is a kind of suppression. So a wise person will find a different way to come out of this state because it is impossible to change the world but is is possible to change your mind.
Life is a series of hurts, insults and humiliations. You can not punish or forgive everyone.
I don’t recommend forgiveness. Instead I recommend to use that negative energy of anger, frustration and helplessness to do something creative. Use that energy to make your life better and achieve bigger goals. Use that energy in gym. Work on your muscles.
There is no need to erase this person completely from your mind. You can use him to motivate yourself. You just have to change your attitude.
That anger and frustration should trigger MOTIVATION and INSPIRATION in your mind.
If you forgive that person then the story is finished. There are hundreds of people out there who will hurt you time to time. If you learn to use that negative energy and channel it in something positive, something creative then you will raise the quality of your life. Because it is very powerful energy and it is absolutely free of cost.
The moment somebody hurts you take it as a challenge and ask yourself how can I use this SHIT to make my life better? When you take revenge you are using this shit in a wrong way because there is every possibility that the person will react back. If you forgive that person you will feel helpless. You will feel like you are suppressing your anger.
So the key is USE that anger and helplessness to RAISE THE STANDARD AND QUALITY of your life. Use this bad energy like fuel. Motivate yourself, inspire yourself. The moment your mind start drifting into negativity you should warn yourself that this is the time to work on myself, to set new goals, to create new powerful states.
If somebody insults you, you can either get angry and frustrated or use this opportunity to motivate yourself. Convert humiliation into inspiration. Use this energy of hurt, insult and humiliation while it is swirling inside you like a powerful current of electricity to achieve your goals and manifest your dreams into reality.